Return of Loved One - 1/92d FA

1. This letter is issued in solemn warning; this day of _________________
to the wives, sweethearts, friends, neighbors, and relatives of ______________
_________________________ .

2. Very soon the above named will once again be in your midst. De-Americanized, de-moralized and de-hydrated, ready once more to take his place as a human being, (Freedom and Justice for all). This mudbound, water soaked, and slightly crazy individual who you know has just spent 12 months among the natives of a village named PLEIKU. He may seem at first a little crazy or irrational, but this has come from the grave responsibilities he has had to have, such things as trying to was a jeep and keep it clean during a down pour in our seasonal monsoon season. During his tour in Southeast Asia this your man has become a leader among men, he knows the way through the jungles and rice paddies of Pleiku Provence straight to the Dragon Bar. He has braved the monsoon, insects, rats and Vietnamese driving so he has a right to call himself brave, courageous, and bold. He is truly a soldier in the fine American fighting mans organization called the United States Army.

3. The following advice is forwarded to minimize the shock of his return to (Civilization??). In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back into respectable society, you must make allowances for the crude environment in which he is returning from. Therefore show no alarm if he prefers to squat rather than sit in a chair, pad around in thong sandals and towels, slyly offers to sell cigarettes to the postman and picks at his food suspiciously as if you were trying to poison him. Don't say anything if he should stare at such things as chairs, soft mattresses, food food, fresh milk, ice cream, "ROUND EYES", or an automobile. Do not argue with him if he asks for sulphur to put in his water, or if he takes a notion to pee in the while he is downtown as this has been his habit for the past 12 months. If he should happen to complain about going to bed without a mosquito net don't argue with him just try to explain to him that you have no bugs, rats, snakes and other gnawing rodents in your house. This may not satisfy him but just try to humor him as he will probably end up sleeping on the floor as the bed will be too soft for him.

4. You may notice that he has an extreme increase in his vocabulary since his departure from the United States but this is normal as he has been among the nastiest, dirtiest, and most worthless people in the world, his fellow soldiers. In a relatively short time his profanity will decrease enough to permit him to mix with mixed groups. If you can tolerate this and are patient enough you may be able to teach him to speak excellent English again.

5. Upon his going downtown for the first time he may try to buy everything at half price because he will feel they are trying to cheat him. If he accuses the dealer of being a cheat, thief, and a crook just try to hustle him out of the establishment and try to explain to the owner his past environment.

6. Be sure to hide the telephone in a place where he is not able to hear it. Avoid letting him hear any sirens or similar type noises as he will jump out of bed and swear in violent profanity, yelling "keep the lights off", and then proceed to grab a couple of packs of cigarettes, a girlie magazine, candy bar, food (C rations if available), a six pack of Falstaff, shove them into a bag and disappear into the cellar for a few days yelling "Alert, its an attack".

7. Any of the following sights should be avoided since they produce an advanced state of shock. Girls, women, females, and members of the opposite sex. The few "round eyes" he may have ever seen in his tour over there were either married, extremely homely, too young or out ranked him, therefore his first reaction upon meeting a beautiful woman will be to stop and stare and go into a deep mental shock. Wives and sweethearts are asked to take advantage of this situation and remove him or the young lady from the scene.

8. SEND NO MAIL TO APO 96138 AFER THE _______________OF ___________, AS HE IS VERY SHORT AND WILL SOON BE IN YOUR MIDST ONCE AGAIN TO TAKE HIS PART IN THE ACTIVITIES OF A FREE MAN.

9. You may also need to know that if your refrigerator is fully stacked with ice cold American beer you will be able to find peace with him a little easier than if you tried the conventional way of just being nice.

GOOD LUCK: I MEAN G***O***O***D L***U***C***K

FROM THE COMMANDER:

C. U. Soon

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